I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
