Can i not drive my cunt home
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
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I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...