Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.