I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
