if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.