how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
