happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
