I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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