she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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