You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
