Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
