i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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