dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
