she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
