Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
