i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
