Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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