Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
