Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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