He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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