Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
