i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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