Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
