I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
