My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
