My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
