god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
