My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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