I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
