i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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