I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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