Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
