if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
