I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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