mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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