K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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