I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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