just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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