went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
