my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
