Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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