Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
