Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.