I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing