Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
