Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Welp...herpes.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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