I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
