I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
