Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
