My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
