next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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