I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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