My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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