He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
