Someone shit on the floor
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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