I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
