She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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