Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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