Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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