yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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