Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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