I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
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I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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